My Spouse Left Me – Now What Do I Do?

Posted on by Kristen Anders Bojarski

I recently wrote an article that offered some guidance for the financially dependent spouse who wants to get out of an unhappy marriage. I talked about taking money out of the joint bank account, taking the kids, and filing for support.  But what do you do when you are on the other side of that scenario?

We’ve all heard this story.  It has happened to someone we know, an old friend or maybe a distant relative.  It goes like this: Some poor, unsuspecting chump gets up in the morning, kisses his wife and kids’ goodbye then goes off to spend the next 8 hours or so at his job like he does every other day.  But when he walks into his house at the end of that long hard day, he finds that the house is eerily empty and quiet.  The furniture is gone. The wife and kids are nowhere to be seen.  Even the cat is gone.  He instantly feels panicked and fears the worst.   Were they robbed?  Where was his family?  He runs upstairs to check the bedrooms.  The children’s rooms are mostly empty of furniture, clothes and toys.  That’s odd.  Why would a burglar take some dirty old kids clothes?   He runs into the master bedroom.  His wife’s clothes are gone, but his are still there hanging in the closet.  The bed is gone but his dresser remains.   With a sinking feeling, he walks into the bathroom off the master bedroom.  His wife’s things are missing.  Not even a toothbrush is left.  But his toothbrush is right where he left it that morning along with his other belongings.  At this point, the truth hits him like a crushing blow.  It is worse than being robbed.  His wife left him and she took the kids.

But why?  He thought they were happy. They had some troubles, sure, but so does every married couple.  How could she do this to him?  The kids?  This can’t be happening!  The next thing he knows, some big guy who looks like a cop is knocking at the door to serve him with a complaint in divorce and an order scheduling a hearing on child support and APL/spousal support.

Talk about your worst nightmare.  Unfortunately, I see this scenario happen every day.  When it does, it is often a complete shock.  This is something that only happens to other people, right?  Whether you genuinely believed your spouse was happy, or failed to see the signs that now seem so obvious in hindsight, it has happened to you.  Now what?

First, set up a meeting with a divorce lawyer.  Ask friends and family for a referral.  Next, do a little damage control and prevention.  Change the locks to the house. You don’t want your spouse coming back to the house when you are not there to take what little furniture you may have left or rifle through the legal documents your lawyer sends you.  If her name is on the deed, she is legally allowed to access the house, but changing the locks is often a good deterrent.

If you have joint bank accounts, close them.  Especially if your paychecks are being deposited into them.  Close all credit cards on which your spouse is an authorized user, even if it means you must agree to pay the balance.  Change all passwords to all password-protected accounts.  This includes, but is not limited to, your Apple or other phone accounts, emails, bills, online banking accounts, passcodes to all devices, etc.

Next, get your papers in order and prepare for the meeting with your lawyer.  Your lawyer will need to see tax returns and other pay information, statements on retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc.  If you were not the one in the marriage who handled the finances, now is the time to educate yourself on these matters.

When you have your initial meeting with the lawyer, talk to him or her about custody.  When your children are used to seeing you every day, it is extremely important to maintain regular contact.  Did your spouse take the children out of state, or move so far that it will prevent your ability to exercise your custody rights?  If so, your lawyer will need to immediately seek special relief from the court.  If not, you will want to file a complaint for custody in the county the children have lived in within the last 6 months.   Most counties in PA have a long and drawn out custody process.

In Allegheny County, we have the Generations Program which requires both parents (and children if they are old enough) to attend an Education session, then a Mediation session.  Mediation is scheduled 4-6 weeks after the initial custody complaint is filed.  If an agreement isn’t reached at mediation, then the parties attend a Generations Conciliation which is scheduled 4-6 weeks later.  If no agreement is reached there, then in another 4-6 weeks, another conciliation takes place, this time with the judge.  After that, another conciliation might be scheduled, but eventually the last stop is a custody trial.  The courts force people to go through these steps because they want parents to make their own decisions about their own kids, and it is very traumatic for parties and children to go through a custody trial.  Some cases are not possible to settle (Is your spouse a narcissist? If so, you may as well schedule a trial date), but most cases settle at some point during the process.  If your case ultimately goes to trial, expect it to take about a year for your custody case to be finalized from start to finish. If you ultimately settle at a conciliation, it will still take months.  Since it will likely take a long time to get a final custody order, ask the court for an interim (temporary) custody order.

If you do not have an agreement or interim custody order that enables the children to see you on a regular, if not equal basis, then a status quo custody situation is created.  Judges love to keep the status quo intact when the kids seem to be doing OK.  It’s safe.  Make sure that you are part of the status quo.

              Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself.  You’ve just gone through a terrible shock.  You likely feel stressed, depressed and anxious about the future.  Don’t worry.  You can (and will) get through it if you help yourself.  Eat healthy and exercise.  Try to get the appropriate amount of sleep.  Don’t hesitate to get into counseling if needed.  Do whatever you have to do to get your mind right.  You are going to be making decisions about your children, finances, etc. that will affect you for years to come.  You must be able to make these decisions based on logic rather than emotion.

Your wife, furniture and cat might be gone forever, but if you follow these steps, you are on your way to maintaining a loving relationship with your children and protecting your assets.  This does not have to the tragic end to your story.  In fact, it is not the end of your story at all.

It is a new beginning.

How to Take Those First Steps Towards Leaving an Unhappy Marriage

Posted on by Kristen Anders Bojarski

It is January, which is affectionately known by family law lawyers as divorce season. More than any other month, internet search engines experience a surge of people searching for information relating to divorce.  Divorce is a life changing and often traumatic event in one’s life; the very thought of leaving behind the life you’ve known can be overwhelming.  How are you supposed to make a decision that will substantially impact you, your spouse, children and even extended family members without first consulting the internet?  As a compulsive googler myself, I understand the lure of a free and anonymous internet search, especially when you are desperate for answers about something.  But I can tell you that the internet does not have all of the answers you need to make informed decisions.  Only an experienced and capable family law lawyer can do that after meeting with you and learning the facts of your unique circumstances.

When I first meet with a client who is considering leaving an unhappy marriage, they often don’t know where to start for fear of unknown consequences. This is especially true of the financially dependent spouse. They don’t know if they can afford to go out on their own, especially with young children. They fear giving up their rights, or financial or custody-related retaliation by their spouse.  When I’m feeling overwhelmed, nothing eases my anxiety better than coming up with a well-thought out plan to attack the problems I’m facing, and that is what I help my clients do.   If you are in an unhappy marriage, but have no idea where to start, this quick and general guide to taking those first steps is for you:

Divorce – to file or not to file? In some cases, however, it does make sense to file for divorce right away. It depends on the circumstances. Make sure to talk to your lawyer about your options.

When I meet with a client for the first time, one of the first things I decide is whether to file for divorce right away. For a financially dependent spouse, it is generally better not to file for divorce right away, and this can be for several reasons. For instance, once you are divorced, you cannot be covered under your spouse’s health insurance any longer. Finding affordable healthcare, even through employment, is a common problem. In those cases, if makes sense to delay the divorce for as long as possible to keep health insurance coverage.

Money – If you are not working outside of the home, do you have education or skills that will enable you to get a self-supporting job? If not, will child and spousal support (if applicable) be enough for you to live on, maybe with a part or full-time minimum wage job, on a temporary basis? Come up with a budget and stick with it as best you can. If you do not have the skills or education to support yourself, now is the time to come up with a plan to become self-supporting. Child support doesn’t last forever, and alimony usually doesn’t either. Think about what you are interested in. Look into the programs offered at the local community college. See what job training is available in your area, or even look into that graduate program you put on the backburner to start a family.The next thing I talk to my clients about is their income situation. If you want to leave your marriage, you must first take a long and hard look at your finances as this will determine where you (and your children if you have any) will be able to live when you and your spouse separate. Do you want to stay in the marital residence? Can you afford the mortgage, taxes, insurances, rent, etc. based on what you earn? If not, will you be able to afford to live in the house, with spousal and child support (if you are entitled to receive them) to supplement your income or lack thereof? In many cases, both incomes of the parties are needed to make the monthly mortgage payment.

Decide where to live – If remaining in the marital residence is not an option, either financially or legally, you should strongly consider staying with family or friends. Moving out of the marital residence does not mean you give up your legal rights to the marital residence. Whether you live there or not, you still have an interest in the property meaning any equity will be distributed in some way once the marital assets are divided later on through the divorce process. This is a question I get asked all of the time.

The children’s school district is also a major factor to take into consideration for most cases where shared custody is going to be an issue. If you can’t afford to live anywhere else but with family, and your family lives so far away that it would be difficult for your spouse to exercise custody rights, do not make any moves without consulting a lawyer first.

Once I help my client analyze their income and budget, I help them decide where they should live. Once you’ve done the same analysis, can you afford to reside in the marital residence? If so, is your spouse willing to leave? If not and the deed to the house is in both names, you can’t just kick your spouse out. There are ways to gain exclusive possession of the marital residence (a topic for another day), but it is usually easier and cheaper to move out of the marital residence yourself.

The move If this is not an amicable separation, or domestic violence is an issue, then I suggest moving out without telling the other spouse. You should still schedule the moving date, and have people to help you, but wait to move until your spouse is at work or out of town. Take whatever furniture, household goods, Christmas decorations, heirlooms, etc. that is important to you and/or will be necessary to set up a new home for yourself and/or your children. You may feel guilty pulling a surprise move like this, but if it will avoid a major conflict, or someone getting hurt, it’s worth it. If reaching an amicable custody agreement is not possible, and you are the primary caretaker of the children, take them with you when you leave.

This may induce your spouse to file a complaint for custody, but don’t be alarmed by that. If that happens, the courts won’t automatically hand your children over to your spouse, assuming that the children are not in danger in your custody. It just means that you and your spouse will go through the court process to establish a custody order, whether by agreement or court order, that is hopefully best for your children.

Once you figured out your finances, and have decided where you are going to live, the next step is to plan the move. Schedule a move-in date and enlist family and friends to help you. Is this an amicable, mutually-agreed upon separation? If so, try to reach an agreement with your spouse ahead of time as far as how the furniture and household goods are going to be divided. If you have children, it would be ideal if you and your spouse could come up with a custody arrangement prior to moving.

File for child and spousal support Right before you move out of the marital residence, see if you can withdraw funds from joint bank accounts, CD’s investments, etc. Don’t feel bad about it; you have to support yourself, you are entitled to joint funds; besides, and any funds you take will just be considered as an advance to you later. While anyone can file a complaint for support at the Domestic Relations Section of the court in their county, you should not go to the support conference/hearing alone. Hire an attorney to represent you.

Immediately after you move out of the house, file for child and spousal support if you are entitled to it. In Allegheny and Washington counties of PA where I practice, it generally takes 4-6 weeks after a complaint in support is filed for a support conference/hearing to be scheduled, and then up to another 30 days after the court date for the wage attachment to take effect. For that reason, plan to not have any support monies for about 2 months.

Help your childrenIf your children are struggling, seek counseling for them or reach out to the guidance counselor at school for support. Be patient. While the adjustment to their changed lives may take some time, it’s worth it for the children to come home from school to a happy, tension-free home each day.

Once you separate from your spouse, help your children with the transition. Talk to your children, help them understand what is happening and encourage them to confide in you about their feelings. Never speak badly about your spouse to the children; it will make them feel awful. Instead, assure them that they are loved by both parents and that the separation is not their fault. It is true that children are resilient, but the transition will be a lot easier for them if their parents can be civil.

Decisions on when to file for divorce (if you and your attorney decide to wait), how to split assets/debts, permanent custody arrangements, etc., will come later. For now, I hope this general guide helps you to come up with a sound, logical plan towards making that huge decision to leave an unhappy marriage.  When you are ready, or you are feeling overwhelmed, meet with a family law attorney.  He or she will help you come up with a plan so that you can be prepared to take those first steps.

My Attorney Isn’t Doing What I Tell Her to Do – Isn’t She Supposed to be Working for Me?

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

The question of how an attorney goes about representing a client is not a simple one. On the issue of loyalty, there is no question; if the attorney cannot be trusted to look out for his or her client’s best interests, that is an attorney-client relationship that should no longer continue. The attorney owes the client the duty of absolute loyalty, and if there is a question of who the attorney owes loyalty to, the attorney should step aside. This includes situations where someone else other than the client is paying the bill; the attorney can and must focus on what is good for the actual client and cannot share information with or take instructions from anyone else, without the client’s express permission.

The issue generally presents itself in a different way, that is, the client lays out a course of action that they want to be followed or a legal position they want to take, to the attorney, and the attorney disagrees with the client’s request. Is an attorney required to do whatever the client instructs them to do? The simple and easy answer to the question is “no,” because the Rules of Professional Conduct adopted by the PA Supreme Court are binding on all attorneys licensed to practice law in PA, and these rules prohibit certain actions by an attorney which are considered to be prejudicial to the system of justice. We are not permitted to (individually or through others) present perjured testimony, file lawsuits which have no justification, or intimidate witnesses, to name just a few.

But beyond that easy answer regarding not taking actions prohibited by rules of conduct, is another answer which is much more difficult, and one which distills the essence of the attorney-client relationship. What are attorneys really supposed to do for their clients? One clue can be found in the rarely-used synonym for lawyer, “counselor.”

What a lawyer should be doing for his or her client is listening closely to all aspects of the problem which brought the client to the lawyer in the first place, and then giving a reasoned analysis of that client’s situation and the options available to the client for resolving the problem.  These options must include an analysis of personal factors, including costs, which limit the options available to the client. If there are children involved, the lawyer must consider and discuss with the client the effect on the children of the exercise of each option available to the client. It means that the lawyer must have an extensive “toolbox.” There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Each client situation or problem has its own unique issues.

Then the lawyer must counsel the client on his or her recommendations for solutions of the client’s problem. Most people have heard the old saying, “a good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.” I finally came to peace with that saying; for years I thought it meant that a lawyer should develop some sort of “buddy” relationship with a judge to seek to influence his or her decisions because of their personal relationship, and I thought it was a repugnant idea. However, I finally came to understand what the saying means. It doesn’t mean that there should be a personal relationship between the lawyer and the judge; it means that the lawyer needs to take time to understand how the judge thinks about a particular kind of case by being attentive in that judge’s courtroom, talking to the lawyer’s colleagues, and studying the judge’s decisions, to be able to predict, with some degree of certainty, how a judge will rule on a particular type of case or in a particular situation.

When counseling a client, if rulings of the judge of the case (or the general attitude of the local bench on a particular kind of case) are known to the lawyer, the lawyer must make it clear to the client that certain types of actions will not be tolerated by the court, or that certain actions are much more likely to achieve the result the client desires to attain. No lawyer should simply be a “mouthpiece” for the client without undertaking such an analysis of the potential outcomes for a course of action. If in the lawyer’s learned analysis a course of action the client is proposing would not achieve the desired result, it is the lawyer’s job to say “No.”

If the client doesn’t like what the lawyer says, he or she can move on and look for a lawyer who tells them what they want to hear. However, in the end the results will most likely leave the client unhappy. Lawyers, have courage! Clients, be smart! There is a difference between lawyers, and the truth is, if the lawyer is telling the client something they don’t want to hear, then that is very likely a great lawyer.

Staying Together for the Sake of the Kids is Usually a Terrible Idea

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

No two families are alike, and everyone’s marriage and marital problems are unique, to a point.  However, after many years of divorce practice, there are some things that have become clear.  First of all, for the purposes of this article, I am not going to discuss religious beliefs and practices.   I can safely assume that no one’s religion or religious practices countenances the torture of children.  If yours does, stop reading; this article is not for you.

People who carry on marital battles in an “intact household,” that is, where no one moves out and the parties remain residing in the same residence while fighting with each other (or maintaining a stony silence), seem to be to be like people who are beating their heads against the wall.  Why are they doing this?  If they are just two adults living together, some just work it out and go and come like ships in the night.  Everyone has their own reason, and if it is not emotionally exhausting to carry on such a lifestyle, well, who am I to stop them?  Except that how can they be truly happy?  How can they carry on socially, have friends over for drinks or dinner, etc?  How can they develop a new love life?  Why are they hanging on to this empty husk of a marriage?

The real rub comes in when there are children of any age in the household.  What is the purpose of family life?  To form an economic and emotional unit where each supports the other and the children learn love (and independence, hopefully) under the loving guidance of their parents (or parent, in the case of a single-parent family)?  Well, that is the plan.  The children observe and learn how to behave in a family, and they are able to take risks, because they are secure in the love and guidance of their parents.  If they fail at an enterprise, they have the confidence that they will still be loved at home, and most parents will encourage them to keep trying until they succeed.

What happens when children live in a household where their parents are at war?  At the very top of the terrible scale, if they observe domestic violence perpetrated on one parent by the other, it will form a permanent impression on them.  There is plenty of solid research available which tracks the effect on children’s later lives of witnessing parent-on-parent violence, and it is pretty depressing.  A parent who stays with an abusive parent is doing no favor at all to the children.  I realize that it is not easy to separate from a violent parent, but ignoring the effect on the children of witnessing parent-on-parent violence is not a wise option either.

Although domestic violence is a serious and under-reported marital problem, living in an unhappy household where there is no actual physical violence is not very healthy for children either. Let’s assume this is a household where the parents argue regularly, whether over money or any other major issue.  First of all, those who believe that their children do not know they are fighting are kidding themselves. Children ALWAYS know when their parents are fighting.  We know that even in the most stable of marriages parents fight.  The difference is:  do they make up?  Do they apologize to each other?  Do they figure out ways to work out the issue their fight was about?  When children see their parents working out their differences in a constructive way, it is an important learning experience for them. They learn how to cope with different ideas and opinions of their partners and work out their differences in a civilized manner.

The problem in a household where the parents are always at war or always angry with each other is that children don’t observe a healthy pattern of behavior to pattern themselves after. Studies clearly reveal that these children are at risk, and that they will experience problems in forming healthy adult relationships later in life.  So, if you are one of those parents who is “staying together for the sake of the children” with an abusive/angry spouse, but in doing so are exposing them to ongoing marital strife, think again.

Child Support Contempt Proceedings

Posted on by Kristen Anders Bojarski

In a previous blog post we discussed what to do when you find yourself thrown into contempt proceedings for failing to pay child support due to an unexpected loss of income, and how to defend against it by filing a petition for modification.  But what can you do to avoid even the possibility of being swept into the nightmare that is contempt proceedings?  The answer is obvious: pay your child support as ordered.

In some cases where a child support obligor has lost his or her job, they have some savings to fall back on or friends and family willing to help out financially until they get back on their feet.  If you are one of these people, you should still immediately file for modification of child support, but continue to pay the full support amount as ordered until you have your support conference/hearing.  If you do that, you will at least avoid contempt, and eventually get back any money you might have overpaid.

Except in some limited circumstances, child support is always wage attached, i.e., the employer deducts it right out of your paycheck and sends it to Pennsylvania State Collection and Disbursement Unit, or PASCDU, who then distributes it to the obligee.  When you no longer have an employer to take care of this for you, it is your responsibility to make sure your child support gets to PASCDU on time.  One major mistake people often make is paying the obligee directly by cash or check.  DO NOT DO THIS!  If you pay the obligee directly, then Domestic Relations in your county will have no idea that the support was paid.  Not only will you not get credit for the support you paid, Domestic Relations will begin contempt proceedings against you if their system shows that you are behind more than 30 days.  You must send child support payments to PASCDU!

I had a case recently where I represented the Father in child support and other proceedings.  For several reasons, the child support hearing did not take place until about 6 months after Mother filed.  Although we had a temporary order in place in between that time, and Father’s wages were eventually attached, for many of those months he had to make direct payments to Mother.  When we finally had the hearing and sought credit for the direct payments (about $5,000 worth), Mother claimed that Father never gave her the payments at all, and that the copies of the checks and money orders he produced were fake.  Even after we eventually proved that Father did make the payments, Mother continued to refuse to give Father credit for them.  Mother’s attorney was eventually able to get Mother to agree to give Father credit for the payments, but it cost him a lot of time, attorney fees and stress.   It was certainly a lesson to him, and me as well.

So, if your child support is not wage attached for whatever reason, you must send your payments directly to PASCDU.  Below is the direct link to the PASCDU website with instructions on how to make payments and where to send them:

https://www.humanservices.state.pa.us/csws/CSWS_controller.aspx?pageId=Member/payor_payment_options.ascx

Father’s Day: Some advice for separated or divorced dads (and moms) from a child custody lawyer

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

Not every father has a happy Father’s Day.  Often dads who are divorced or separated from their children have a sad or lonely Father’s Day.  This need not be.  For the purposes of this article, I’m going to assume that the Dads I’m referring to are not drunks, mentally ill, or abusive brutes, that they are just regular guys, not perfect but that they love their children and want to spend time with them.  If the dad reading this article falls into those “bad” categories, I advise counseling and soul-searching; you will never be able to form a normal relationship with your children if they are afraid of you.

A good relationship can be maintained with children of divorce and separation, but it’s not easy.  It’s important for both Mom and Dad to recognize the role the other parent has in the life of a child.  We know that prior to separation, most couples have assumed some sort of pattern, often the traditional pattern that Dad works full-time (sometimes 2 jobs) and Mom works part-time (or not at all) and manages the household and child-rearing.  Sometimes it’s the reverse.  Without reference to the reason for the separation, we expect that the parties’ prior pattern of family responsibilities is going to change when they separate.  If Dad (or Mom) has had little responsibility for child-rearing while the parties were together, we expect that that parent will want to step and take more responsibility for arranging the children’s lives.  Since the parties will be not living together, it means that both parents will need to accept changes in routine, that is, that there will be periods when the children are not with them at all, that they will be in the other parent’s custody, and the other parent will need to step up and work out bedtimes, clothing, schoolwork, and discipline for the children.  Often the parent who will be seeing the children less due to this change has a hard time accepting it, and the person who will be having more time with the children feels overwhelmed by the new responsibilities.  These feelings are normal; they can be alleviated by the parents by learning to work together or cooperate.  What’s that you say?? If we could cooperate we’d still be together!!!  Well, it’s time to grow up and be an adult.  For the “abandoned” parent (who is seeing the kids less), get a hobby.  Learn to enjoy time away from the children.  Despite what you may think, your children are not your life.  If they are, you are too involved in their lives.  Accept that things will be different at the other parent’s home, and assume that he or she loves them too.  Children do not have to have mirror-image lives in the other parent’s home.  So long as they are safe and appropriately nourished and rested, you should not try to control what happens when they are with the other parent. Don’t turn your child into a “buddy” and unload your troubles on them.  If you need to talk to someone about your angry feelings about the other parent, talk to your mother or get a dog.  Leave the children out of it.

For the parent who is having more time with the children, it’s time to grow up and be an adult too.  Don’t be the “Disneyland” parent.  Make sure that the children have regular bedtimes and a routine at your house too.  Make sure they eat appropriate meals.  Speak respectfully about the other parent, even if the children tell you that the other parent is bashing you to the children.  Just smile sadly and say, “That must make you feel sad,” when you hear a report such as that, and dismiss it.  Resist the impulse to badmouth the other parent, even if you believe they are badmouthing you.  Think of the children’s feelings and let your home be the place where they feel safe and comfortable, where they don’t hear negative talk about the other parent.

Cooperation between parents is the best present you can give your children.  You don’t have to like the other parent to respect them as a parent, and when you start putting the children’s feeling ahead of yours, you will realize that that is what they need, to grow up in an atmosphere of acceptance and understanding, one where they will not be able to manipulate either parent, because the parents communicate with each other.

All this is hard to do, I understand.  However, co-parenting counseling is available almost everywhere.  Take a deep breath and vow to be the parent who cooperates; avoid fighting.  Avoid calling the police.  Remember, each child knows that they are made up of half of each parent, so if one parent is really bad, part of them is really bad too.  Enjoy your time with your children.  Happy Father’s Day.

Should I Make Child Support Payments Directly If No Wage Attachment Has Been Ordered?

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

By Kristen Anders Bojarski

Last week I wrote about what to do when a child support payor (obligor) finds himself (we’ll use the masculine pronoun for now, but you female support obligors, this applies to you too!) subject to contempt proceedings for failing to pay child support due to an unexpected loss of income, and how to avoid this by filing a petition for modification.  But what can you do to avoid even the possibility of being swept into the nightmare that is contempt proceedings?  The answer is obvious: pay your child support as ordered.  Yeah, you think, easy for you to say, but what if I can’t afford it?

In some cases when a payor has lost his job, he has some savings to fall back on or friends or family willing to help out financially until he gets back on his feet.  If you are one of these people, you should still immediately file for modification of your child support order, but you should continue to pay the full support amount as ordered until your support modification hearing.  If you do that, you will avoid contempt charges being filed against you, and if the order is modified, and through a temporary reduction in your obligation, you will likely eventually get back any money you might have overpaid.

Child support is normally wage attached, that is, your employer deducts it right out of your paycheck and sends it to Pennsylvania State Collection and Disbursement Unit, or PASCDU, who then distributes it to the support obligee. When you have no employer, the responsibility is yours. (However, if you qualify for unemployment benefits, the wage attachment is normally transferred to that benefit).

Sometimes support obigors decide to pay the obligee directly by cash or check.  BAD IDEA!  DO NOT DO THIS!  Not only will you not get credit against your support obligation for the support you paid directly, Domestic Relations will likely begin contempt proceedings against you if their system shows that you are behind more than 30 days.  You MUST send ALL child support payments, even partial payments, to PASCDU.

I am aware of a recent case in which the obligor, for several reasons which seemed logical, paid his child support directly to the obligee; the modification hearing did not take place for several months.  At the hearing, the obligee denied receiving some of the payments and/or said that certain payments were not actually for support. As a result, after the hearing, the obligor’s wages were attached and arrears were set for many of those months he made direct payments to the obligee.  Ultimately, after several months and spending a lot of money on attorney fees and expenses for copies of money orders, most of the payments were credited.  (Hint:  If the obligee had been receiving welfare, the obligor would have gotten NO CREDIT FOR HIS PAYMENTS AT ALL, as the support payments would have been owed to welfare.)

So, if your child support obligation is not wage attached, you must send your payments directly to PASCDU, not to the obligor.  Below is the direct link to the PASCDU website with instructions on how to make payments and where to send them:

https://www.humanservices.state.pa.us/csws/CSWS_controller.aspx?pageId=Member/payor_payment_options.ascx

Child Custody and the Christmas Holidays

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

While the rest of us are shopping, decorating, baking, and happily anticipating the Christmas holiday season, Family Court Judges dread the approach of this otherwise cheerful holiday season. Why?  Because of the bitter battles which erupt between divorced or separate parents over holiday custody schedules.  Parents who can at least tolerate each other during the rest of the year are often willing to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars in attorney fees (or if they represent themselves, many hours of time appearing and arguing in court themselves), trying to get a judge to set up their preferred Christmas holiday custody schedule for the children.

Other parents simply duke it out between themselves by telephone calls, text messages, emails, or, unfortunately, by having the children carry messages back and forth to the other parent.  Hostility and anger rule the day.  Having the kids wake up in their home on Christmas morning, whether or not they still believe in Santa Claus, is usually the polestar of these disputes.  Often grandparents and other family members get embroiled in these disputes as well.

Very few parents keep their feelings to themselves; they frequently share their feelings and frustrations about holiday custody (and the other parent) with the children. Unfortunately for the children, these pitched battles between their parents over holiday custody are what they remember most clearly in later years.

It’s extremely hard for separated or divorced parents to accept the fact that their children will not get to share with them those moments which mimic those happy Christmas holiday memories they carry with them from their childhood.  In addition, many of those parents are still nursing a grudge against the other parent for leaving them, and many of them are willing to fight a proxy battle over the children just to punish the other parent, particularly over custody during the holiday season, where they calculate it will wound the other parent the most.

If you see yourself or your loved ones described above, do yourself (or them) a favor.  Do your best to put your own desires (needs?) aside, learn to be flexible, and try to figure out a way to work up a new set of holiday traditions with your children which doesn’t involve fighting with the other parent. If the other parent is in fact one of those “terrorist” parents who will use any advantage to try to hurt you through the children, particularly during the Christmas holidays, under the theory that this will hurt the most (giving them the psychic revenge they are craving), seek counseling for yourself (and the children), read up on how to deal with an obstreperous parent-opponent, and, if necessary, give in to what you think are unreasonable demands.

I attended a meeting of a local group of Family lawyers, judges and psychologists not long ago in which two young adults in their 20’s who were involved in bitter custody disputes as children spoke about the experience.  One of these two young adults, one no longer has any contact with the “terrorist parent,” who inflicted psychological pain on her, her parent and siblings, throughout her youth.  The other young adult spoke movingly about his father, the patient parent, who also had only partial custody of him during his younger years.  His father never spoke ill of his mother, who on the other hand spoke bitterly about his father in his presence.  His father was forced to do all of the transportation for his periods of custody, got minimal holiday custody periods, and was otherwise the patient and long-suffering underdog in the long custody battle.  His father, who also attended, said that he didn’t mind doing all of the transportation, because he managed to make time in the car with the children quality time. Needless to say, the young adult in question was much closer to his father than to his mother.

In the end, the love and respect of your children is the  ultimate prize worth seeking. Remember that  for the holiday season and do your best to make happy memories with the children during the time you have.