My Spouse Left Me – Now What Do I Do?

Posted on by Kristen Anders Bojarski

I recently wrote an article that offered some guidance for the financially dependent spouse who wants to get out of an unhappy marriage. I talked about taking money out of the joint bank account, taking the kids, and filing for support.  But what do you do when you are on the other side of that scenario?

We’ve all heard this story.  It has happened to someone we know, an old friend or maybe a distant relative.  It goes like this: Some poor, unsuspecting chump gets up in the morning, kisses his wife and kids’ goodbye then goes off to spend the next 8 hours or so at his job like he does every other day.  But when he walks into his house at the end of that long hard day, he finds that the house is eerily empty and quiet.  The furniture is gone. The wife and kids are nowhere to be seen.  Even the cat is gone.  He instantly feels panicked and fears the worst.   Were they robbed?  Where was his family?  He runs upstairs to check the bedrooms.  The children’s rooms are mostly empty of furniture, clothes and toys.  That’s odd.  Why would a burglar take some dirty old kids clothes?   He runs into the master bedroom.  His wife’s clothes are gone, but his are still there hanging in the closet.  The bed is gone but his dresser remains.   With a sinking feeling, he walks into the bathroom off the master bedroom.  His wife’s things are missing.  Not even a toothbrush is left.  But his toothbrush is right where he left it that morning along with his other belongings.  At this point, the truth hits him like a crushing blow.  It is worse than being robbed.  His wife left him and she took the kids.

But why?  He thought they were happy. They had some troubles, sure, but so does every married couple.  How could she do this to him?  The kids?  This can’t be happening!  The next thing he knows, some big guy who looks like a cop is knocking at the door to serve him with a complaint in divorce and an order scheduling a hearing on child support and APL/spousal support.

Talk about your worst nightmare.  Unfortunately, I see this scenario happen every day.  When it does, it is often a complete shock.  This is something that only happens to other people, right?  Whether you genuinely believed your spouse was happy, or failed to see the signs that now seem so obvious in hindsight, it has happened to you.  Now what?

First, set up a meeting with a divorce lawyer.  Ask friends and family for a referral.  Next, do a little damage control and prevention.  Change the locks to the house. You don’t want your spouse coming back to the house when you are not there to take what little furniture you may have left or rifle through the legal documents your lawyer sends you.  If her name is on the deed, she is legally allowed to access the house, but changing the locks is often a good deterrent.

If you have joint bank accounts, close them.  Especially if your paychecks are being deposited into them.  Close all credit cards on which your spouse is an authorized user, even if it means you must agree to pay the balance.  Change all passwords to all password-protected accounts.  This includes, but is not limited to, your Apple or other phone accounts, emails, bills, online banking accounts, passcodes to all devices, etc.

Next, get your papers in order and prepare for the meeting with your lawyer.  Your lawyer will need to see tax returns and other pay information, statements on retirement accounts, investment accounts, etc.  If you were not the one in the marriage who handled the finances, now is the time to educate yourself on these matters.

When you have your initial meeting with the lawyer, talk to him or her about custody.  When your children are used to seeing you every day, it is extremely important to maintain regular contact.  Did your spouse take the children out of state, or move so far that it will prevent your ability to exercise your custody rights?  If so, your lawyer will need to immediately seek special relief from the court.  If not, you will want to file a complaint for custody in the county the children have lived in within the last 6 months.   Most counties in PA have a long and drawn out custody process.

In Allegheny County, we have the Generations Program which requires both parents (and children if they are old enough) to attend an Education session, then a Mediation session.  Mediation is scheduled 4-6 weeks after the initial custody complaint is filed.  If an agreement isn’t reached at mediation, then the parties attend a Generations Conciliation which is scheduled 4-6 weeks later.  If no agreement is reached there, then in another 4-6 weeks, another conciliation takes place, this time with the judge.  After that, another conciliation might be scheduled, but eventually the last stop is a custody trial.  The courts force people to go through these steps because they want parents to make their own decisions about their own kids, and it is very traumatic for parties and children to go through a custody trial.  Some cases are not possible to settle (Is your spouse a narcissist? If so, you may as well schedule a trial date), but most cases settle at some point during the process.  If your case ultimately goes to trial, expect it to take about a year for your custody case to be finalized from start to finish. If you ultimately settle at a conciliation, it will still take months.  Since it will likely take a long time to get a final custody order, ask the court for an interim (temporary) custody order.

If you do not have an agreement or interim custody order that enables the children to see you on a regular, if not equal basis, then a status quo custody situation is created.  Judges love to keep the status quo intact when the kids seem to be doing OK.  It’s safe.  Make sure that you are part of the status quo.

              Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself.  You’ve just gone through a terrible shock.  You likely feel stressed, depressed and anxious about the future.  Don’t worry.  You can (and will) get through it if you help yourself.  Eat healthy and exercise.  Try to get the appropriate amount of sleep.  Don’t hesitate to get into counseling if needed.  Do whatever you have to do to get your mind right.  You are going to be making decisions about your children, finances, etc. that will affect you for years to come.  You must be able to make these decisions based on logic rather than emotion.

Your wife, furniture and cat might be gone forever, but if you follow these steps, you are on your way to maintaining a loving relationship with your children and protecting your assets.  This does not have to the tragic end to your story.  In fact, it is not the end of your story at all.

It is a new beginning.

How to Take Those First Steps Towards Leaving an Unhappy Marriage

Posted on by Kristen Anders Bojarski

It is January, which is affectionately known by family law lawyers as divorce season. More than any other month, internet search engines experience a surge of people searching for information relating to divorce.  Divorce is a life changing and often traumatic event in one’s life; the very thought of leaving behind the life you’ve known can be overwhelming.  How are you supposed to make a decision that will substantially impact you, your spouse, children and even extended family members without first consulting the internet?  As a compulsive googler myself, I understand the lure of a free and anonymous internet search, especially when you are desperate for answers about something.  But I can tell you that the internet does not have all of the answers you need to make informed decisions.  Only an experienced and capable family law lawyer can do that after meeting with you and learning the facts of your unique circumstances.

When I first meet with a client who is considering leaving an unhappy marriage, they often don’t know where to start for fear of unknown consequences. This is especially true of the financially dependent spouse. They don’t know if they can afford to go out on their own, especially with young children. They fear giving up their rights, or financial or custody-related retaliation by their spouse.  When I’m feeling overwhelmed, nothing eases my anxiety better than coming up with a well-thought out plan to attack the problems I’m facing, and that is what I help my clients do.   If you are in an unhappy marriage, but have no idea where to start, this quick and general guide to taking those first steps is for you:

Divorce – to file or not to file? In some cases, however, it does make sense to file for divorce right away. It depends on the circumstances. Make sure to talk to your lawyer about your options.

When I meet with a client for the first time, one of the first things I decide is whether to file for divorce right away. For a financially dependent spouse, it is generally better not to file for divorce right away, and this can be for several reasons. For instance, once you are divorced, you cannot be covered under your spouse’s health insurance any longer. Finding affordable healthcare, even through employment, is a common problem. In those cases, if makes sense to delay the divorce for as long as possible to keep health insurance coverage.

Money – If you are not working outside of the home, do you have education or skills that will enable you to get a self-supporting job? If not, will child and spousal support (if applicable) be enough for you to live on, maybe with a part or full-time minimum wage job, on a temporary basis? Come up with a budget and stick with it as best you can. If you do not have the skills or education to support yourself, now is the time to come up with a plan to become self-supporting. Child support doesn’t last forever, and alimony usually doesn’t either. Think about what you are interested in. Look into the programs offered at the local community college. See what job training is available in your area, or even look into that graduate program you put on the backburner to start a family.The next thing I talk to my clients about is their income situation. If you want to leave your marriage, you must first take a long and hard look at your finances as this will determine where you (and your children if you have any) will be able to live when you and your spouse separate. Do you want to stay in the marital residence? Can you afford the mortgage, taxes, insurances, rent, etc. based on what you earn? If not, will you be able to afford to live in the house, with spousal and child support (if you are entitled to receive them) to supplement your income or lack thereof? In many cases, both incomes of the parties are needed to make the monthly mortgage payment.

Decide where to live – If remaining in the marital residence is not an option, either financially or legally, you should strongly consider staying with family or friends. Moving out of the marital residence does not mean you give up your legal rights to the marital residence. Whether you live there or not, you still have an interest in the property meaning any equity will be distributed in some way once the marital assets are divided later on through the divorce process. This is a question I get asked all of the time.

The children’s school district is also a major factor to take into consideration for most cases where shared custody is going to be an issue. If you can’t afford to live anywhere else but with family, and your family lives so far away that it would be difficult for your spouse to exercise custody rights, do not make any moves without consulting a lawyer first.

Once I help my client analyze their income and budget, I help them decide where they should live. Once you’ve done the same analysis, can you afford to reside in the marital residence? If so, is your spouse willing to leave? If not and the deed to the house is in both names, you can’t just kick your spouse out. There are ways to gain exclusive possession of the marital residence (a topic for another day), but it is usually easier and cheaper to move out of the marital residence yourself.

The move If this is not an amicable separation, or domestic violence is an issue, then I suggest moving out without telling the other spouse. You should still schedule the moving date, and have people to help you, but wait to move until your spouse is at work or out of town. Take whatever furniture, household goods, Christmas decorations, heirlooms, etc. that is important to you and/or will be necessary to set up a new home for yourself and/or your children. You may feel guilty pulling a surprise move like this, but if it will avoid a major conflict, or someone getting hurt, it’s worth it. If reaching an amicable custody agreement is not possible, and you are the primary caretaker of the children, take them with you when you leave.

This may induce your spouse to file a complaint for custody, but don’t be alarmed by that. If that happens, the courts won’t automatically hand your children over to your spouse, assuming that the children are not in danger in your custody. It just means that you and your spouse will go through the court process to establish a custody order, whether by agreement or court order, that is hopefully best for your children.

Once you figured out your finances, and have decided where you are going to live, the next step is to plan the move. Schedule a move-in date and enlist family and friends to help you. Is this an amicable, mutually-agreed upon separation? If so, try to reach an agreement with your spouse ahead of time as far as how the furniture and household goods are going to be divided. If you have children, it would be ideal if you and your spouse could come up with a custody arrangement prior to moving.

File for child and spousal support Right before you move out of the marital residence, see if you can withdraw funds from joint bank accounts, CD’s investments, etc. Don’t feel bad about it; you have to support yourself, you are entitled to joint funds; besides, and any funds you take will just be considered as an advance to you later. While anyone can file a complaint for support at the Domestic Relations Section of the court in their county, you should not go to the support conference/hearing alone. Hire an attorney to represent you.

Immediately after you move out of the house, file for child and spousal support if you are entitled to it. In Allegheny and Washington counties of PA where I practice, it generally takes 4-6 weeks after a complaint in support is filed for a support conference/hearing to be scheduled, and then up to another 30 days after the court date for the wage attachment to take effect. For that reason, plan to not have any support monies for about 2 months.

Help your childrenIf your children are struggling, seek counseling for them or reach out to the guidance counselor at school for support. Be patient. While the adjustment to their changed lives may take some time, it’s worth it for the children to come home from school to a happy, tension-free home each day.

Once you separate from your spouse, help your children with the transition. Talk to your children, help them understand what is happening and encourage them to confide in you about their feelings. Never speak badly about your spouse to the children; it will make them feel awful. Instead, assure them that they are loved by both parents and that the separation is not their fault. It is true that children are resilient, but the transition will be a lot easier for them if their parents can be civil.

Decisions on when to file for divorce (if you and your attorney decide to wait), how to split assets/debts, permanent custody arrangements, etc., will come later. For now, I hope this general guide helps you to come up with a sound, logical plan towards making that huge decision to leave an unhappy marriage.  When you are ready, or you are feeling overwhelmed, meet with a family law attorney.  He or she will help you come up with a plan so that you can be prepared to take those first steps.

My Attorney Isn’t Doing What I Tell Her to Do – Isn’t She Supposed to be Working for Me?

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

The question of how an attorney goes about representing a client is not a simple one. On the issue of loyalty, there is no question; if the attorney cannot be trusted to look out for his or her client’s best interests, that is an attorney-client relationship that should no longer continue. The attorney owes the client the duty of absolute loyalty, and if there is a question of who the attorney owes loyalty to, the attorney should step aside. This includes situations where someone else other than the client is paying the bill; the attorney can and must focus on what is good for the actual client and cannot share information with or take instructions from anyone else, without the client’s express permission.

The issue generally presents itself in a different way, that is, the client lays out a course of action that they want to be followed or a legal position they want to take, to the attorney, and the attorney disagrees with the client’s request. Is an attorney required to do whatever the client instructs them to do? The simple and easy answer to the question is “no,” because the Rules of Professional Conduct adopted by the PA Supreme Court are binding on all attorneys licensed to practice law in PA, and these rules prohibit certain actions by an attorney which are considered to be prejudicial to the system of justice. We are not permitted to (individually or through others) present perjured testimony, file lawsuits which have no justification, or intimidate witnesses, to name just a few.

But beyond that easy answer regarding not taking actions prohibited by rules of conduct, is another answer which is much more difficult, and one which distills the essence of the attorney-client relationship. What are attorneys really supposed to do for their clients? One clue can be found in the rarely-used synonym for lawyer, “counselor.”

What a lawyer should be doing for his or her client is listening closely to all aspects of the problem which brought the client to the lawyer in the first place, and then giving a reasoned analysis of that client’s situation and the options available to the client for resolving the problem.  These options must include an analysis of personal factors, including costs, which limit the options available to the client. If there are children involved, the lawyer must consider and discuss with the client the effect on the children of the exercise of each option available to the client. It means that the lawyer must have an extensive “toolbox.” There is no one-size-fits-all solution to every problem. Each client situation or problem has its own unique issues.

Then the lawyer must counsel the client on his or her recommendations for solutions of the client’s problem. Most people have heard the old saying, “a good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.” I finally came to peace with that saying; for years I thought it meant that a lawyer should develop some sort of “buddy” relationship with a judge to seek to influence his or her decisions because of their personal relationship, and I thought it was a repugnant idea. However, I finally came to understand what the saying means. It doesn’t mean that there should be a personal relationship between the lawyer and the judge; it means that the lawyer needs to take time to understand how the judge thinks about a particular kind of case by being attentive in that judge’s courtroom, talking to the lawyer’s colleagues, and studying the judge’s decisions, to be able to predict, with some degree of certainty, how a judge will rule on a particular type of case or in a particular situation.

When counseling a client, if rulings of the judge of the case (or the general attitude of the local bench on a particular kind of case) are known to the lawyer, the lawyer must make it clear to the client that certain types of actions will not be tolerated by the court, or that certain actions are much more likely to achieve the result the client desires to attain. No lawyer should simply be a “mouthpiece” for the client without undertaking such an analysis of the potential outcomes for a course of action. If in the lawyer’s learned analysis a course of action the client is proposing would not achieve the desired result, it is the lawyer’s job to say “No.”

If the client doesn’t like what the lawyer says, he or she can move on and look for a lawyer who tells them what they want to hear. However, in the end the results will most likely leave the client unhappy. Lawyers, have courage! Clients, be smart! There is a difference between lawyers, and the truth is, if the lawyer is telling the client something they don’t want to hear, then that is very likely a great lawyer.

Staying Together for the Sake of the Kids is Usually a Terrible Idea

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

No two families are alike, and everyone’s marriage and marital problems are unique, to a point.  However, after many years of divorce practice, there are some things that have become clear.  First of all, for the purposes of this article, I am not going to discuss religious beliefs and practices.   I can safely assume that no one’s religion or religious practices countenances the torture of children.  If yours does, stop reading; this article is not for you.

People who carry on marital battles in an “intact household,” that is, where no one moves out and the parties remain residing in the same residence while fighting with each other (or maintaining a stony silence), seem to be to be like people who are beating their heads against the wall.  Why are they doing this?  If they are just two adults living together, some just work it out and go and come like ships in the night.  Everyone has their own reason, and if it is not emotionally exhausting to carry on such a lifestyle, well, who am I to stop them?  Except that how can they be truly happy?  How can they carry on socially, have friends over for drinks or dinner, etc?  How can they develop a new love life?  Why are they hanging on to this empty husk of a marriage?

The real rub comes in when there are children of any age in the household.  What is the purpose of family life?  To form an economic and emotional unit where each supports the other and the children learn love (and independence, hopefully) under the loving guidance of their parents (or parent, in the case of a single-parent family)?  Well, that is the plan.  The children observe and learn how to behave in a family, and they are able to take risks, because they are secure in the love and guidance of their parents.  If they fail at an enterprise, they have the confidence that they will still be loved at home, and most parents will encourage them to keep trying until they succeed.

What happens when children live in a household where their parents are at war?  At the very top of the terrible scale, if they observe domestic violence perpetrated on one parent by the other, it will form a permanent impression on them.  There is plenty of solid research available which tracks the effect on children’s later lives of witnessing parent-on-parent violence, and it is pretty depressing.  A parent who stays with an abusive parent is doing no favor at all to the children.  I realize that it is not easy to separate from a violent parent, but ignoring the effect on the children of witnessing parent-on-parent violence is not a wise option either.

Although domestic violence is a serious and under-reported marital problem, living in an unhappy household where there is no actual physical violence is not very healthy for children either. Let’s assume this is a household where the parents argue regularly, whether over money or any other major issue.  First of all, those who believe that their children do not know they are fighting are kidding themselves. Children ALWAYS know when their parents are fighting.  We know that even in the most stable of marriages parents fight.  The difference is:  do they make up?  Do they apologize to each other?  Do they figure out ways to work out the issue their fight was about?  When children see their parents working out their differences in a constructive way, it is an important learning experience for them. They learn how to cope with different ideas and opinions of their partners and work out their differences in a civilized manner.

The problem in a household where the parents are always at war or always angry with each other is that children don’t observe a healthy pattern of behavior to pattern themselves after. Studies clearly reveal that these children are at risk, and that they will experience problems in forming healthy adult relationships later in life.  So, if you are one of those parents who is “staying together for the sake of the children” with an abusive/angry spouse, but in doing so are exposing them to ongoing marital strife, think again.

16 Things You Need to Know About Divorce

Posted on by Barbara J. Shah

WHAT IS A LEGAL SEPARATION?

Technically, there is no such thing in Pennsylvania as a “legal separation.”  Separation simply means that you and your spouse no longer live together.  Separation may occur by mutual consent or by one of you leaving your home under involuntary circumstances, such as a PFA.  Under some circumstances, you may even be considered separated even though you and your spouse are still residing in the same residence; there are special rules for this, however.

CAN I STOP MY SPOUSE FROM ENTERING OUR HOME?

Your spouse has a right to be on and in the property that you both own or rent unless a court decides otherwise in the context of a divorce proceeding.  If you lock your spouse out, he or she may be able to take appropriate action to regain entry to the property, as long as a divorce has been filed.

WHAT IF MY SPOUSE HAS ABUSED ME?

 If there has been actual or threatened abuse, your spouse may be ordered by the court to leave your residence and to stay away for up to three years.  See  “Protection from Abuse”, as it deals more with this issue.

WHAT IS THE ROLE OF A LAWYER?

If you and your spouse are having marital problems, your lawyer can assist you in explaining your legal rights and duties.  Second, he or she can help to bring about an agreeable settlement of the legal disputes which arise between you and your spouse as a result of separation or divorce.  Finally, your lawyer is your representative in enforcing your rights in a court of law or in defending you if your spouse files an action against you.

Lawyers are not permitted to represent both parties in a divorce proceeding, as this would constitute a conflict of interest.  This does not mean that both parties need lawyers; if the other spouse elects not to have a lawyer, they may of course represent themselves.  However, your lawyer cannot offer legal advice to your spouse in a divorce proceeding.

WHAT IS A SEPARATION AND PROPERTY SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT?

After a husband and wife separate, especially if they intend to divorce, it is desirable for them to enter into a written agreement to provide for: 1) division of real estate and personal property; 2) support, if any, payable to the dependent spouse and children; 3) post-divorce alimony, including amounts, length of time, and termination of modification events; 4) responsibility for debts and legal fees; 5) health and life insurance arrangements; and 6) custody and visitation of children.

Also included might be other items which set forth the mutual rights and duties of the parties to the agreement.  This agreement is a contract, but may be enforced as though it is an order of the court.  Certain provisions in the agreement concerning child custody, visitation, and child support can later be modified by the court if circumstances change.  The agreement is generally prepared by an attorney.

WHAT HAPPENS TO REAL ESTATE WE OWN?

Most married couples own their real property as “tenants by the entireties.”  This form of joint ownership means that neither spouse can sell the property during the marriage without the consent of the other.  Upon divorce, however, unless the parties have a written agreement providing for the division of the property, the court has the power to divide the property based on equitable principles.  This means that the court will take many factors into account when arriving at a fair division; although that does not always mean that the property will be divided equally.

The court takes into consideration both spouses’ economic and non-economic contributions to property acquired during the marriage.  If neither you and your spouse nor the court divide the property, then the nature of your ownership automatically changes after divorce and you both become “tenants in common.”

WHAT IS MARITAL PROPERTY?

The Divorce Code provides that all property acquired by either spouse during the marriage prior to the date of final separation, with certain exclusions such as gifts from outside the marriage and inherited property, is marital property, regardless of the spouse in whose name the property is held.  Premarital or non-marital property may become marital property if during the marriage it is placed into joint names with the other spouse.  It should be noted that the increase in value during the marriage of non-marital and premarital property which remain in one party’s name, will also be considered marital.  Marital property, if not divided in the separation agreement, may be divided equitably by the court.

WHO OWNS THE HOUSEHOLD GOODS?

Household items, such as furniture, home décor, and appliances are generally not titled in either spouse’s name.  Unless you can show a reason for treating such property as non-marital, the law treats all such property as being jointly owned and used for the benefit of both spouses, regardless of who actually paid for it.  As part of the divorce, the court may consider these things as marital property and distribute them accordingly.

WHAT ABOUT BANK ACCOUNTS?

No matter whose name is on the account, you are both owners of the funds.  If one spouse draws  money out of an account, he or she may have to account to the other for the money, no matter who originally put the funds into the account or if the account of if the account is titled in only one name.  As part of the divorce, the court may consider the bank accounts as marital property and equitably divide the funds, regardless of whose names were on the accounts.

WHAT IF I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE?

If the divorce is on no-fault grounds, the only defenses are showing that you have not lived apart for two years or that the marriage is not irretrievably broken.

In a fault divorce, your spouse must be “innocent and injured” to establish grounds.  If you are able to prove that this is not the case, you may be able to prevent the divorce.  You can also attempt to prove that the facts claimed by your spouse are false.  There are certain other defenses that may apply in specific situations.  You should discuss with your attorney what courses of action might be available.

WHAT WILL BE IN THE FINAL COURT ORDER?

When the court issues a Decree of Divorce, the order may include other matters if they were raised in the proceeding by either spouse.  These include disposition of marital property and other property interests; child custody and visitation; child support; alimony; and enforcement of agreements voluntarily entered into by the parties.  Under certain circumstances, a court may enter a decree of divorce on a “bifurcated” basis, that is, grant the divorce itself when the other issues are still pending, and allow the parties to settle or litigate the other issues after the divorce is granted.

CAN THE COURT REQUIRE COUNSELING?

Yes. The court may require up to three counseling sessions with a qualified counselor within a three to four month period in the following cases: 1) indignities are used as grounds for the divorce and counseling is requested by either person; 2) either no-fault ground is used and counseling is requested by either person; and 3) in certain cases where there are children of the marriage under 16 years old.

WHO PAYS THE ATTORNEY’S FEES?

The court has the power to award preliminary counsel fees to the dependent spouse.  In addition, in the final order, after the property rights of the parties are determined, the court could direct the parties to pay their own costs and fees, or it may divide the costs and expenses equitably between the parties.  Payment and recovery of costs and attorney’s fees are matters to be discussed with your lawyer during the initial meeting.

WHAT IS AN ANNULMENT?

An annulment may be sought for marriages that are by law invalid or which may be declared invalid by a court.  Marriage is a contact, and if either individual was unable to enter the contract because of intoxication, being under age, or fraudulent inducements, the court may determine that no contract of marriage ever existed.  If you think an annulment may be appropriate in your situation, discuss the matter with a lawyer.

HOW CAN I HELP MY CHILDREN?

Keep children out of the conflict!!  The problems should be worked out between you, your spouse and your attorneys, not through your children, even adult children.  Also, young children often feel that they are the cause of the problems, and they must be reassured that this is not the case.  These are very difficult times for you and your family.  Do not be afraid to get help from family and friends or by asking your attorney for names of professional counselors or therapists.

WHAT SHOULD I DO IF SERVED WITH A DIVORCE COMPLAINT?

A divorce action is like any other lawsuit.  It begins with a complaint filed in court and served on the person against whom it is filed.  If you receive a divorce complaint, you normally will have 20 days to respond.  If you do not respond, the divorce may proceed without you being represented or having your rights protected.

You should consult an attorney immediately upon receiving a divorce complaint.  If you feel that you cannot afford an attorney, you should contact the community legal services in your county.